Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
