you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
