If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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