please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
