I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
