She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
