if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
