she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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