the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
