im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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