Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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