A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
