If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Who died my cat blue again?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
