Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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