So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
