I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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