Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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