his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
