Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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