Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
