my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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