My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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