He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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