I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
