Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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