if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I love you. Go after that dick
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
