My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
