I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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