Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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