why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
