I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
