If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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