meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
