When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
