I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
