I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
