Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
