There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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