I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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