as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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