Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
