my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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