You're completely useless in the revolution.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
