The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
