i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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