How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
