allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
