Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
