Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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