i was born a porn star she said
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
